and now... representing the absent owner... :OP

hey all... the few who stop by when i post.... sorry it has been so long! if it makes a difference i have other places i post and i haven't been there yet... this is my .......... whatever.... doesn't matter..... not gonna go on like i just took a break....

i was lost.... swimming in too much unknowing of what to do with or without me..... disconnected and not wanting to post as anyone else but myself... so now i am here b/c i found me again.... bobbing to the surface again i am; i know that is good.

so hard to stay above my facade... like a whale coming up to breath but finding it too much work to move with resistances i dive down again to be as i am familiar being, hidden and 'safe'. it is so very hard to change!!!!! but i am not gonna give up.... i spent my life under the surface... i wanna breathe.... really live life as myself!

ok... if you are wondering what i am going on about, you probably have not known what it is like to survive... and i am so very happy for you.... honest.

but if you get me.... can you tell me, if you know, how to become comfortable being myself, exposed and all???

let me just say, i have been busy working on these issues of mine... intense work, tho i was not really aware of how hard and how deeply i was digging till my last counseling visit.... my t said it was amazing how much core stuff about myself i have recently discovered and am coming to accept in such a short time.... then it hit me.... 'so that is why i feel like i have been knocked back on my butt! yeh, now it all makes sense,,, the pain is intense and the urge to be defensive is enormous.... and the working on it... well, it is taking all i got to take tiny baby steps!

i feel like an ant who found out he was a butterfly instead of an ant.... found out on his own by looking in a pool of water.... fought the water and survived... and is now struggling to accept all that being a butterfly implies esp compared to the life and self he always knew as an ant... and suddenly life is completely different now.... and he has to learn how to be a butterfly while letting go of all he knew before... yep it is soooo like that.

and the responsibility i carry now of how much of myself made up the hellish world i was living in... that is pain.... really deep cutting into my bone pain....

ok... so now, do i post this? or do i cower????

i never, ever, want to cower again.
i post.

i just hope someone out there understands....

~still

this was one tough week.

i survived it.

i am stronger b/c i did.

i hope to move on.

a short heart song

Fire Byrd said...
What makes your heart sing, and what makes it sad?I know it's two parts, but you didn't say I couldn't cheat!xx

ok firebyrd, here's my answers

what makes my heart sad?

well, i am certain there are many things that do this... but the one that comes to mind is the fact that child abuse is live and well, here and now, and it seems nothing can really change the rising statistics of this very disheartening thing. i think that is enough said, but if anyone wants to know more or to discuss this then check out my other blog... that is the purpose of my posting on that one... btw... new post there today.

and what makes my heart sing?

that would be when i spend any time communicating with supportive and accepting people, esp friends. i think this is my most joyful time and my most relaxing 'as myself' with my guard down kinda' time. and that includes my online friends, too. :O)

that is the best i can do with this topic today... i am generally much more talkative... but i am quite down as of late... and it makes it hard to write like i usually want to do. being myself and saying where i am at and knowing that will be just fine with all of you... that is what i'm talking about... can't you hear my heart singing?

hugs to all, if ok.

lovingly,

coral

ps this art piece is for sale, $75+ S&H let me know if you are interested :O)

what is the question you would ask me?

hello all,

been in and out keeping up with other's blogs but not feeling like coming up with a topic.... so i thought i would ask you to ask me a question that would make a good blog entry.... ok? making me laugh is a plus, btw!! i love to laugh. i live to laugh. laughter sees me thru anything.... if i can survive to my next laugh, then i keep on going looking for the next one after that... you get the gist. i love to laugh :OD

adding a picture of the winter wonderland in which i live.

and here's a question for your post if you wish to take it, fair is fair.... i'll answer this one, too.

in which way does your character show in your living space... i.e. the place where you are most comfy being you?

my room.... my 'playroom' reflects me in many ways... the chaos in which all the things are placed upon and below the craft table and the emptiness of the storage space is so like me; i feel like i have everything in my head pulled out of hiding but nothing much is put away in any storage areas...makes for scattered thoughts and a tough bit of effort to cope thru it all.... thus i go to classes to help me focus on sorting it all out so i can be productive again.

the walls are carefully 'scrap booked' to display pictures and sayings and letters and notes and coral colored things all that show my heart. my miniature boxes are collecting tiny things in tiny spaces... both of which i wish i could still do... that is i would like to be tiny again and crawl down into a small place, at times, and hide.

my pc is here... how i connect with people from all around the world... those i am friends with that i have never seen face to face... and information is only a typed word and a google away.

my space, where no one can tell me how to change it or keep it... the only space i have in my life that is like that!

BTW thanks for your replies to my last post... i really needed that validation and was happy to see that asking for it made what i needed to come about.... thanks to my friends.

ttys,

coral

just letters in a row

i wrote the letter to a perpetrator, but the the letter is simply letters in a row till read by someone.... soooo.... if you wanna read it look at my profile and go to my second blog called 'tuf cookie'

it feels good to be able to write such a letter as i see it shows a lot of growth on my part... i was in such a rage when i first began looking at this 'stuff' at the beginning of my journey. but now i am able to say the rage is out, and what is left is 'righteous anger'? i think.

i still have not forgiven him... he hasn't asked me to, and he hasn't shown fruit worthy of repentance... in fact quite the horrid unspeakable opposite.... and i feel that is quite fine. i don't think anyone would expect forgiveness to be given to a monster like hitler.... and this person, of which the letter speaks to, is such a kind of monster.

well, i'm feeling a bit anxious having set this out here... both this note about my second blog and the letter on it.... so please leave me a note saying you read it, or noted it, or anything at all... it will help me leave it up where it needs to be. and thanx in advance.

i'll try to write a possitive post here by the weekend... it is so beautiful here and a post about this winter wonderland i live in is worthy of a post!~

lovingly,
~coral

i, the cheese, stand alone

so this class is talking about the way we 'normally' respond to emotions.... b/c the way we (those who need the class) normaly do is harmful to us.

and most there, who get angry... do the fight thing... get aggressive thoughts and possibly even act upon it... and definately get stressed out about it... which can lead to other things

me... the cheese.... stands alone.....

yeh, feels like that, i'm in a room of chairs in a circle and when i talk about myself... the inside self.... i often stick out... just like that game, with everyone surrounding me and i am alone feeling 'odd'

i, the cheese, take anger and shut it down... not push it away... but shut it down inside of myself, and never let it see the light of day again.... NEVER.... yes, i have been told doing that is like a pressure cooker that is getting ready to blow... but instead i feel like it is not even there... i deny that anger is inside at all.... only my logical, analytical mind knows it exists b/c i've been shown that i do this with anger... and that part of me is not letting anger be owned by my heart, or my gut

so now... the skill part of the lesson is taught... "do the opposite action to your 'norm' with that emotion...."

ok, so i am supposed to 'let my anger have a place'???, 'just sit with it'???, 'in small increments'???... 'not all at once, just acknowledge its existence'... 'and feel it'... 'and don't shut it down'?!

my whole body is aching at this thought...

'what? someone wants me to allow myself to feel angry? and to allow it to be my 'norm' to do so?' now that is messing with all kinds of gears in my make-up....

i feel panic, like running, like i am going to do something very wrong, like i just can't expect myself to do this and not shut down into my survival mode.... 'too overwhelming' is not enough to cover it!

*breathe*
*breathe*
*really b r e a t h e *

'ok... but this is where you are stuck... this anger, you have, comes from deep within you, for righteous reasons, and so you have the right to be angry... it is right to let it be part of how you feel'

sooo, i have tried this, and noticed just how easily (and calmly!) my routine self shuts anger back down... i couldn't even get the words 'i'm angry' out in the short time it takes!... this is gonna' be really hard... and even harder to change in a permanent manner so i can feel anger as it comes and not bottle it up.

i think my friend had a good idea... write a letter to a person who has made me feel very angry. and try to make it honest as possible... let the anger show on the paper, if nowhere else... as a fact is better than not at all.... so that is what i am going to try....

i'll let you know how it goes... whenever i give it a go....

ttys,
coral

ps why is this 'everyday anger' so much harder to accept than the anger of my abused childhood?

a quote worth quoting!

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.

Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.
Perhaps then,
someday far in the future,
you will gradually,
without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer."

- Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, in "Letters to a Young Poet"

hello....

went to my open studio time at the art center... didn't feel like doing anything at all once i found out my pieces still were not bisque fired.... just bums me out to be so dependant on someone and their word... two weeks now i have been waiting to glaze those pieces.... can't wait to get my kiln up and running.

and it bums me out that i am so dependant on ppl to do what they say or i will get bummed out, too...

i just wanna be me.... not so swayed to and fro with the winds of life....

that quote!
that quote.....

yeh, that quote, *sigh*

"we can never change the wind, but we can always adjust our sails"
A A A A A A A \o/
~~~~~~~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~~~,^,~~~~~~~~

that's me...

.....the one in the water!

yeh.

ok, so i have been noticing and doing something about my 'passive' modes of self harm.... things i do automatically that cause me neglect, pain, or suppression of rights and/or feelings.... and these things seem small once i give it an opposite action... like, i think, 'why did i ever do that silly thing instead of taking care of myself?' but, if i put my guard down, then they are right there again, so this definitely will take persistent vigilance to note and change my ways. but, i am not giving up on me.... i am the only one qualified at this point in my life to actually take good care of me, and by jove i am gonna do it, and do it well.

--------------------------------------------------------

on a brighter note, i was driving home here about 40 min. ago, and in the new fallen snow.... yes, it keeps on coming little by little... my headlights came to a cut corn field; it has winter hay about 1/4 grown on it right now, so the tops are sticking up out of the snow... so guess what i saw? this is deer country and there was three deer there, and silhouetted against the midnight blue sky was a new buck, he was standing tall though and had 2 points i think; he was so majestic there, looking out for his doe's safety.... took my breath away and made my arms tingle and the hair on my neck stand up.... that feeling is so amazing... like i was very alive with soaking that moment in. wish i could send you a picture... but it is impossible to capture deer here on film up that close... as soon as you stop and try to get out of your car, all you see is white tails flagging as the deer leap away. if you drive slowly and quietly, b/c they are so used to traffic, they will linger.

deer are every bit as beautiful as their pictures and they are dainty, and cautious just like the movies portrait them to be. they will snort if there is danger, and they make a short bark noise kinda like a goat's bark, but it is rare to hear it. they can leap very high and i am always amazed by that... the other day i saw three or four taking on an up hill fence and only one darted under it, the others leaped straight up the hill over it, i would say about 8 feet up counting from their hind legs on the hill to the height of the fencing... it was beautiful to see such strength and agility in a not so small animal.

any way... it is late and morning comes early for me so i need to rest... there i go taking care of myself... might become a habit after all ;O)

ttys.
night,
coral

hey there,

it has been snowing here, lightly all day... piling up right on top of all the snow we got last week.... it is getting deeper... but slowly.... and i have been thinking about that

if i was watching the snow fall, continuously without inturuption, then i would would probably not notice much of the accumulation of it... it is ever so slow.... but b/c i am busy here or there, when i look out i keep saying, wow it is getting deeper, look at the drifts, look at the covered sidewalk... etc.

life is like that, isn't it?

and as much as i hate to bring this up, it is for my own good: it is like my own self care....

i believe most ppl take pretty good care of their hunger, their body temperature (stay warm or cool off, etc.), their thirst, their physical needs and the emenities....

myself on the other hand ignore, put off, delay, deal without, taking care of everything else about me, and everyone else about me.... or even worse just sit in my depression and watch the world go by.

so now i look at it and i have piled up resentments, anger, frustration, weakened body strength and image, and i feel like a failure all the more....

i want to change all this, including the feeling of low self worth.

i guess i will have to begin by observing the snow fall.... watching out for something, anything... that i need for me... big or small.... so no more piling up occurs unnoticed....

so.... it begins by observation.

ttys
~c

an interview with Fire Byrd >O"-

1. What achievement outside of your children are you most proud of having done? i guess i would have to say that i am most proud of 'still standing' after surviving a lifetime of abuse; yes, a lifetime... at one level or another.... being abused as a child was fairly easy to survive... sounds weird, but instincts take over, and perhaps it even helped to believe that your family isn't any different than another... also having the ability to repress the occurrences of abuse while very young (not intentionally but as instinct preserves it's own) helped a great deal, too.


the hardest part that i am most proud of was to survive it as i delved into it ALL in therapy.... it was very much like having to live thru it all over again, and every bit as painful and emotional, or even more so as there was no escaping it, even when i tried to. so i did it.... and i am proudly still standing.




2. What is your most treasured possession? that would be my Bible, my faith, it sees me thru it one day at a time. and that would be even when i didn't think it was there... He was carrying me. (refer to ebba forsburg, 'carried')


3. What outside of family and pets would you rescue in a fire. my photos of old... you know the paper ones! they are priceless and irreplaceable. for instance, this one of my three oldest dtrs in dress up.... i do love this picture!


4. What is your dream for yourself, and what do you need to do to get it? to be free to be myself 24/7. as for the second part... i am sure i am working on it... but i am also pretty sure it is a pipe dream, that no one actually is 'totally real' 24/7.... it would be too taxing, and too vulnerable to say the least. but i am so very tired of feeling the need to hide myself! and that includes my feelings, my wants in life and of life, and all my quirky ways that are individual to me. i show up more often than ever before, but mostly i am but part of the whole... and that part is often a smaller part than the facade.... btw i am real here... or i don't speak here at all :O)

5. The saying that sums up the essence of you? live, love, and laugh out loud, (even when your hair is on fire). and yes i just adapted the phrase to fit me. (i am returning to edit this answer... b/c the prior answer is generally how i have coped thru thick and thin. but i have had the following saying on a card for many years, i post it near my pc and, as a counselor, i take it to camp and put it on my bunk...

this is the real me... :

in my heart -
you don't have to be perfect to belong in this place.
you don't have to have all the answers,
or always know the right thing to say.
you can climb the highest mountain, if you want.
or quietly imagine that you might, someday.
you can take chances or take safety nets,
make miracles or make mistakes.
you don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here.
you don't have to be bold or certain to be brave.
you don't have to have all the answers, here,
or even know who you want to be. . .

just take my hand
and rest your heart
and stay awhile with me.

(i chose a bonus question!) 6. What would the inscription say on your grave stone?
i want my gravestone to be a marble bench for passersby, and i want it to say this and this alone.... 'she is still standing, but now by His side, and He has wiped away every tear from her eyes.'

thank you Fire Byrd, for the wonderful challenging questions to choose from... this was enjoyable and i hope you choose to let me interview you, as well! ;O)

Potential interviewees? If anybody else wants to have a go: here are your instructions: 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions). 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions and let me know when you have posted it, so I can link it. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

i'll be living at DBT! >.<

m thru f 9-3!

i'd say that is intensive out patient t!....

i'll wanna' know:

can i take my pillow and blanket and take a nap during lunch? :OD

and how about something to do when i get bored?!

is it going to be lecture/group the w h o l e time?

can i take out a personal loan for the parking???

hmmmmm it's gonna be hard not to act up, i can tell already... feeling like being the class clown... which means i am feeling like hiding instead of being vulnerable. i will have to keep that in check. at least a bit hehe :O* *whistling*

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it is snowing here..... took me two hours to get home d/t traffic and slick roads.... but it is beautiful from inside my home..

here i am warm and comfy, sipping on hot cinnamon cappuccino, and wearing house sox, looking out there thru my big livingroom window. horizon to horizon is blanket of newfallen soft white snow... you can hear a pin drop it is so quiet and on occasion the wind moves the trees and they groan. the smell in the air is clean and crisp. my cat, 'patches' is chubby and full of heavy fur.... (i would love to feel that furry this time of year, all covered and warm; but my layered turtle necks, funny hats, and heavy sweaters with corduroys will do fine). the cardinals, wood peckers and crows all scurry for any food that is dropped. i always share my over ripened fruit with them... sent some grapes over my drive way and watched them arrive to haggle for the prizes.. the trees on the next two ridges are grey and look so very soft from this distance like pillows laid on a white downy quilt. but up close the trees are reaching for the sky in frosted clawing hands, ever reaching and only catching up snow on the branches below. some mornings i find deer prints out by the old crab apple trees and i know they came for a late winter snack, finding the frozen apples with the moon light above. i don't want to venture out... it is too cold for the likes of me, always chilly in the middle of summer!, but watching from my picture window is a wonderous site and makes me feel so very blessed to have this view.

this picture taken down my rd a bit *<((:O)

peace to you and i'll ttys,

~coral

Que Sera, Sera

wow, what a day.....

my sister called....

i keep wondering, over and over again... why am i sane and the rest of my siblings not????
or am i really???????

how do i set my mind on knowing that i am sane when my sister thinks she is sane, and no one is telling her any different???

i just need reassurance that i am indeed sane. but from some one that wouldn't spare my feelings or keep me from an unpleasant reaction to news.... but who?
*sigh*

so.... i finally got set up for DBT again.... don't know if this is what i need or just another bit to help me stay setting back in the shadows of life??? i sure have hope and belief in it tho... last time i went to it i was in crisis mode and it got me grounded and tought me alot about self honor and care. i could really use some refresher on the hows and whys of that... so i guess if nothing else it will set me feeling more grounded and possibly caring about me a bit better...

tearful today for some reason.... don't know what that is about.....

maybe i can get into my clay today and just let my heart guide the way to some dicovery....

just checking in...

peace to anyone who stops by, silent or otherwise.....

~coral

if you wanna' find me...

"Citadel"

anna nalick

I'm sittin' on a citadel

Contemplating life

Making a point to waste my time

I'm walking on clouds

Of white

What if I fall

What if I don't

What if I never make it home

What if I bleed

What if I break

And I find that I can't take

The city below the citadel

Holding my own hand?

Sittin' alone

And I'm breakin' on the balcony

Breakin' window panes

I'm killing the pain of broken hearts

I'm walkin' on clouds

I'm walkin' on stars

What if I fall

What if I don't

What if I never make it home

What if I bleed

What if I break

And I find that I can't take

The city below the citadel

Holding my own hand?

Holdin' on to something

That's keepin'me from jumpin'

So afraid to go in alone

Holding up this fortress

With imaginary forces

Longing for a life down below

What if I fall

What if I don't

What if I never make it home

What if I bleed

What if I break

And I find that I can't take

The city below the citadel

Holding my own hand?

The city below the citadel

Holding my own hand?

The city below the citadel

Holding mine.