and now... representing the absent owner... :OP

hey all... the few who stop by when i post.... sorry it has been so long! if it makes a difference i have other places i post and i haven't been there yet... this is my .......... whatever.... doesn't matter..... not gonna go on like i just took a break....

i was lost.... swimming in too much unknowing of what to do with or without me..... disconnected and not wanting to post as anyone else but myself... so now i am here b/c i found me again.... bobbing to the surface again i am; i know that is good.

so hard to stay above my facade... like a whale coming up to breath but finding it too much work to move with resistances i dive down again to be as i am familiar being, hidden and 'safe'. it is so very hard to change!!!!! but i am not gonna give up.... i spent my life under the surface... i wanna breathe.... really live life as myself!

ok... if you are wondering what i am going on about, you probably have not known what it is like to survive... and i am so very happy for you.... honest.

but if you get me.... can you tell me, if you know, how to become comfortable being myself, exposed and all???

let me just say, i have been busy working on these issues of mine... intense work, tho i was not really aware of how hard and how deeply i was digging till my last counseling visit.... my t said it was amazing how much core stuff about myself i have recently discovered and am coming to accept in such a short time.... then it hit me.... 'so that is why i feel like i have been knocked back on my butt! yeh, now it all makes sense,,, the pain is intense and the urge to be defensive is enormous.... and the working on it... well, it is taking all i got to take tiny baby steps!

i feel like an ant who found out he was a butterfly instead of an ant.... found out on his own by looking in a pool of water.... fought the water and survived... and is now struggling to accept all that being a butterfly implies esp compared to the life and self he always knew as an ant... and suddenly life is completely different now.... and he has to learn how to be a butterfly while letting go of all he knew before... yep it is soooo like that.

and the responsibility i carry now of how much of myself made up the hellish world i was living in... that is pain.... really deep cutting into my bone pain....

ok... so now, do i post this? or do i cower????

i never, ever, want to cower again.
i post.

i just hope someone out there understands....

~still