i collect old keys.... the tinier the better to me, but i have a few that are quite large skeleton keys, too. i like to imagine what they used to open up. i think i actually bought a ring of locksmith keys once b/c the keys were very similar with tiniest incremental differences. sometimes i think we are like that.... pretty much the same in a basic form with incremental differences coming out of the womb... then comes the huge life circumstances that separate us all into individuals with great big differences....

any way.... i wanted to talk about keys.

i want to know just what it will take for me to unlock the places where i began learning who i was and how i am supposed to think about me and why and what level of value i can place upon myself and even whether or not i am allowed to choose that value or if it is to be chosen by anyone around me at any given time.... just all of it....

how can i erase the microfiche, replace the hard drive, straighten the original wrinkles in my brain matter and rethink, rewrite, recompute all of this information in a more healthy way????

is it possible? are the steps i make toward progress always going to be overwritten again and again by this 'virus' that was given to me by the cruel people who initiated my way of thinking?

i am almost ready for hypnotism, ECT, lobotomy, emdr.... anything to get me on the right track once and for all..... enough of this up and down feeling.... i can/ i can't.... i will/ i wouldn't...... i am able/ i am not nor will i ever be able..... i think i am worthy/ but then i can't be b/c it breaks some stupid rule i can't even put my finger on, but something inside sets alarms off and i just shut down.....

what is wrong with me??????????????

where is the key???????????

somebody, just tell me where........

so this is the 'why'....

i had a blog here... but was unable to link it into the google side of this site since it was begun in 2004... and was since abandoned.

i have a theory, please correct me if i am wrong... i think there are so many bloggers out here in the cyber world wanting to be heard, so many that write and write and write... and that means not many are doing any listening! hmmm wonder how that makes me any different as i begin writing once again???

and yet, maybe it is myself that needs to listen to my own posts after all.... i want to know myself better, i seek to be ok with being myself and to be true to my own purpose and what better way to learn who i am than to actually listen to and study 'me'?

funny thot, but maybe if i come here to post my thinkings without expectations of being heard, then i will not only let go of the pretense of having to say something worth hearing... but i will also be able to speak it as i see it and thus return to learn more and more about my own inner workings. i like this stance... and so this is my statement of why i am here... blogging once again.

peace to me... and may i have pleasant dreams, too.

and if there happens to be anyone out there listening.... say hello, ok? and peace and sweet dreams to you as well!

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