i, the cheese, stand alone

so this class is talking about the way we 'normally' respond to emotions.... b/c the way we (those who need the class) normaly do is harmful to us.

and most there, who get angry... do the fight thing... get aggressive thoughts and possibly even act upon it... and definately get stressed out about it... which can lead to other things

me... the cheese.... stands alone.....

yeh, feels like that, i'm in a room of chairs in a circle and when i talk about myself... the inside self.... i often stick out... just like that game, with everyone surrounding me and i am alone feeling 'odd'

i, the cheese, take anger and shut it down... not push it away... but shut it down inside of myself, and never let it see the light of day again.... NEVER.... yes, i have been told doing that is like a pressure cooker that is getting ready to blow... but instead i feel like it is not even there... i deny that anger is inside at all.... only my logical, analytical mind knows it exists b/c i've been shown that i do this with anger... and that part of me is not letting anger be owned by my heart, or my gut

so now... the skill part of the lesson is taught... "do the opposite action to your 'norm' with that emotion...."

ok, so i am supposed to 'let my anger have a place'???, 'just sit with it'???, 'in small increments'???... 'not all at once, just acknowledge its existence'... 'and feel it'... 'and don't shut it down'?!

my whole body is aching at this thought...

'what? someone wants me to allow myself to feel angry? and to allow it to be my 'norm' to do so?' now that is messing with all kinds of gears in my make-up....

i feel panic, like running, like i am going to do something very wrong, like i just can't expect myself to do this and not shut down into my survival mode.... 'too overwhelming' is not enough to cover it!

*breathe*
*breathe*
*really b r e a t h e *

'ok... but this is where you are stuck... this anger, you have, comes from deep within you, for righteous reasons, and so you have the right to be angry... it is right to let it be part of how you feel'

sooo, i have tried this, and noticed just how easily (and calmly!) my routine self shuts anger back down... i couldn't even get the words 'i'm angry' out in the short time it takes!... this is gonna' be really hard... and even harder to change in a permanent manner so i can feel anger as it comes and not bottle it up.

i think my friend had a good idea... write a letter to a person who has made me feel very angry. and try to make it honest as possible... let the anger show on the paper, if nowhere else... as a fact is better than not at all.... so that is what i am going to try....

i'll let you know how it goes... whenever i give it a go....

ttys,
coral

ps why is this 'everyday anger' so much harder to accept than the anger of my abused childhood?